A Mother's Heartache, A Mother's Resilience

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On the evening of November 14th, 2022, after a very sudden and traumatic birth at only 25 weeks, I vividly remember waking up in the labor and delivery room. The first words out of my mouth were, "Where is my baby, is she alive?" At that moment, I didn’t care about my own pain or what had happened to me—I just needed to see my baby.

Several hours later, I was wheeled down to the NICU, where we finally met our beautiful, tiny but mighty, baby girl, weighing only 1 pound 12 ounces. I knew instantly that we would ride out this NICU journey, no matter the obstacles. I held onto faith and hoped that we would make it through and bring our baby girl home around her due date. What other choice did I have?

Unless you’ve lived the NICU life, it’s hard to fully understand the weight it carries. It’s a world filled with wires, beeping monitors, medical updates, and long, emotional days. It comes with its own kind of trauma: anxiety, fear, guilt, helplessness, and for many, PTSD that lingers long after discharge. It’s not just about survival; it’s about healing in every way. If you’ve been there, you’re not alone. Your strength is real, and your story matters.

Less than three months later, however, on the morning of February 5th, 2023, my daughter Adaya Maleea unexpectedly passed away after 83 days in the NICU, the only home she ever knew. She spent the last six days of her life on a heart-lung bypass machine. My world shattered. I never imagined our journey would take such a heartbreaking turn.

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I will be the guest on a show hosted by my friend, Dawn Helmrich Neuburg and her co-host, Neil Parekh. It's Ep. 29 of “Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health,” Thursday, May 8 at 6pm CT / 7pm ET. You can watch the live show or recording on Facebook, Twitter*, LinkedIn, YouTube, Instagram* or Neil's website.

*We won't know the exact urls for Twitter or Instagram until we go live on Thursday. For now, these links go to Neil's Twitter and Dawn's Instagram.

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I was forever changed, and a piece of me was lost that day. The pain remains, an aching hole in my heart that I carry every day. Mothering and continuing to bond with Adaya, now that she’s no longer physically here, is one of the most difficult challenges I’ve ever faced.

The first year passed in a haze, a blur of pain so overwhelming it felt unbearable. And yet, somehow, life continued to move forward, pulling us along when all we wanted was to freeze time. Five days of bereavement to grieve a lifetime lost—how could that ever be enough?

The tunnel vision, the flashbacks, the tears that came without warning, the triggers in the most ordinary things.

Each week, I relived the moments that changed everything. Each month, I marked the 5th and the 14th—dates now burdened with a weight only I truly understand.

Pictures, videos, memory boxes—these are all that remain of her, and sometimes, they hold her echo so vividly that they break me all over again.

Navigating through the trauma, anxiety, and depression of losing a child, while trying to rediscover myself and being a mother to my other children, has been an incredibly challenging journey—one that’s difficult to put into words.

Motherhood has taken me on an adventure beyond anything I could have imagined. I first became a mom as a teenager, and by the age of 25, I was raising two wonderful sons and two beautiful daughters. Being a mother has been the greatest joy and accomplishment of my life whether it’s to my own biological children or my bonus children.

Resilience isn’t about suppressing emotions or denying the reality of loss; it’s about finding healthy ways to cope and move forward. It’s a journey that takes time and effort. I’ve spent two years in talk therapy, and while the first year included medication for anxiety and depression, I’ve since weaned off.

I’ve learned that the path to healing is filled with ups and downs, but with each step, my resilience has grown stronger. It’s about developing coping mechanisms, building meaningful relationships, and discovering a new purpose in life.