“Idle hands do the devil’s busy work.” – A Southern Proverb
This is one of many infamous southern euphemisms that I would hear growing up in the foothills of Appalachia. To the unfamiliar, such a phrase sounds like a harmless, though unusually religious, expression encouraging one to tackle the always present to-do list versus catching a leisurely nap in the noonday sun. “What’s wrong with that,” I would often ask. Giving it little to no mind throughout much of my early years, I proudly took on the proverb as a personal motto. It was my guide when things got tough or when I found myself slipping into what some would call the “demonic throngs” of laziness.
Yet it wasn’t until completing seminary and the soon-to-follow lockdown brought upon by the COVID-19 Pandemic that I came to fully realize how this phrase was functioning within my family system.
I will be discussing my mental health journey and more on a new show launched by Neil Parekh (a fellow Unitarian Universalist) and Dawn Helmrich, “Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health.” You can watch the show live Thursday, August 1st at 7pm ET / 6pm CT or watch the recording on this website or catch it on Facebook, Twitter*, LinkedIn, YouTube, Instagram* and Neil's website. *We won't know the exact urls for Twitter and Instagram until we go live on Thursday evening. For now, these links go to Neil's Twitter and the In Faith & Liberation Instagram accounts.
My being diagnosed with anxiety-induced depression really shouldn’t have come as a surprise. But as I sat before my care provider detailing the typical stomach tension coupled with the new chest pain and Beau’s line appearing on my fingernails, I was shocked. “Anxiety, no way” I would say to myself. “This is just digestion issues and stress pain, there’s nothing to it,” I retorted. Patiently, my doctor looked at me and said, “These are just some of the common symptoms people living with anxiety experience, Tyler. And based on what you are saying, you have probably been living with it your entire life.” The world seemed to pause for a moment as the news began to sink into my consciousness. That would make sense. After all, what else would describe the numerous occasions I would place myself in corners or white-knuckle a countertop as I breathed deeply in hopes of reclaiming my center?
As soon as I got home, I called the only person who I would ever talk to about personal medical matters, my grandmother, Mama B. As I detailed my presenting symptoms to the retired nurse with over fifty years of practice, she responded, “Well of course it’s anxiety, we all have it?” “Excuse me, what did you say?” I proclaimed. “Oh yes,” Mama B shared, “we all have anxiety and/or depression, it runs in our family. Didn’t you know?” On reflection, the answer was clear, this was something we all lived with. Few of us silently struggle in isolation and most of us manage to get by with little to no resources or support. But for Mama B and I, our coping strategy is over-functioning. “Busy bodies” as we are often called. Unable or unwilling to sit down, we turn to various tasks to distract ourselves from the hormonal rushes that consume our brains and turn our insides into proverbial knots.
In the years since my formal diagnosis, I have come to realize how anxiety and depression have always been present. The motto I mentioned above was a badge of honor of sorts that I took on as I managed to cope with what was occurring within my brain. It was a cultural code that allowed me to place myself within the sometimes-twisted wisdom of Appalachia as it too often lacks access to resources to adequately address mental healthcare. And when I am being honest, I used it to separate myself from “those people” who lacked the spoons to get by on any given day. Survival mode has an unforgiving way of not only preventing us from seeking care or support, but it also has a way of targeting others for the sake of self-preservation. I give thanks for knowing better now thanks to others who have shared their anxiety and depression journeys with me.
“Life is a journey of many twists and turns” is my motto of choice now. Simple and clear, it reminds me that not only do we go about our existence with purpose, but we also don’t do it alone. It is a complicated blessing. Yet here we are, together. Making meaning and purpose out of it as we go. One day at a time. And if not that much, one second at a time.
Breathe, Dear One. For here we are. Together.
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