The ADHD "Would Be Nice" List: Why Self-Care Should Come First

As I sit here writing my first official blog post for Calibrate ADHD, I feel like I should be officially honest: I've been wanting to write this for a year. It's something I've thought about countless times. Something drafted in my head long before committing fingers to keyboard. Por fin, here I am writing it. Not necessarily because I finally felt "ready," but because someone else asked me to.

How ADHD of me.

Many of us ADHDers have a "would be nice" or "want to do" list living and growing in our heads. A mental queue of things we’ll eventually get around to when the time is right, when circumstances are tweaked just so, or when we find the "best" way to do them—essentially, when we manage to hop off the treadmill of urgency long enough to consider ourselves.

For most, this list is a mountain. We tell ourselves that if we could just reach the top, maybe we’d finally realize our potential. It’s a mountain we assume everyone else is climbing effortlessly. A mountain that casts shadows blocking us from the light.

---

It feels fitting that I’ll be joining Neil Parekh on the podcast he co-hosts with Dawn Neuburg, Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health for Ep. 59, "Understanding and Living With ADHD; AI as a Tool for Managing ADHD," Thursday, Oct. 22 at 7pm ET.

Neil Parekh and Dawn Neuburg host the twice-monthly show, which focuses on reducing the stigma associated with mental health issues. Together, we’ll be shining a light on ADHD. You can watch the live show or recording on Facebook*, Twitter**, LinkedIn, YouTube, Instagram** or Neil's website. (You can find more details about the show on his website.)

*Facebook will delete the video in 30 days (approx. November 21). **We won't know the exact urls for Twitter or Instagram until we go live on Thursday evening. For now, these links go to his Twitter and Instagram accounts.

---

I invite you to think about your own version of this list. What is it like to carry it around—all those things we want to learn, accomplish, experience, create, or change, each representing a fragment of what our "real potential" could look like?

For me, the longer that list grows, the harder it is to see past it. We start measuring ourselves against everything we haven't done instead of recognizing everything we have.

When Supporting Yourself Becomes Another "Would Be Nice"

Items on this list frequently get shoved to the bottom because they fall under the category of "self-care," and who has time for that? Present-day us assumes future-us will handle it. But in reality, critical steps—like getting evaluated, understanding a diagnosis, finding community support, or building daily awareness—never get prioritized.

Essential self-care ends up parked right next to low-priority weekend projects:

• Wouldn't it be nice if I painted the basement blue?

• I should probably look into getting evaluated...

• I really need to figure out why this keeps happening

• I would love to take a trip

• Write my college friends a text message

• It would be nice to find someone who could help
  

There is always something more urgent: another deadline, another responsibility, another person who needs something. And perhaps most importantly, another distraction from ourselves. We become so skilled at responding to what’s immediately in front of us that we can spend years avoiding what’s happening within us.

If you take away only one thing from this post, let it be this: This is NOT because you don't care. It is NOT because you don't want to. It is NOT because you are selfish, lazy, or any other bogus label your inner critic absorbed from a neurotypical world. 

Rather, we are usually so busy caring for everything else (or perfecting good enough) that we relegate ourselves to the back seat. Or, pausing from the "real world" long enough to look closely at our struggles feels uncomfortable—uncomfortable because maybe someone needs help more than we do, because "adults should just know how to do this," or because we've spent a lifetime feeling behind and think we have to catch up before we deserve time for ourselves.

What if, instead, we chose awareness and acceptance? What if we honored that the solution isn't to simply "push harder," "organize better," or "try again on Monday"?

Supporting yourself matters regardless of where you are on your to-do list. Self-care isn't optional—it’s essential. You are essential.

You Don't Have to Earn Support

One of the biggest barriers to seeking help is the belief that our struggles aren't severe enough to justify it. 

Thoughts that other people have it worse or I'm fine (even though I am understimulated and overwhelmed and drowning in to-dos) seem to push our self-support further down the list. 

Support isn't something we should have to earn by reaching a breaking point. Seeking the support you need doesn't take anything away from someone else. Their struggles don't diminish yours, and yours don't diminish theirs. In fact self support amplifies our ability to support everyone involved. 

Ok, Kirby, but how do I get everything done and take care of myself. It feels impossible to believe that slowing down and taking care of ourselves gets us closer to where we want to be. I get it. I pretended to be fine for so long I needed a team of doctors telling me I wasn’t to finally pause. I truly get it. And I know that being equipped with self-support is necessary for climbing the mountain.

Awareness Isn't Just Recognizing Symptoms

In order to take the first steps away from “my needs are casualties of the rush” towards “I am essential too”, we need to know what self-support looks like for us. 

The least sexy, but most helpful step, is often awareness. I know. You are shocked it isn't a planner, or a new notebook (a place to put this new found essential list).

Real awareness isn't just knowing that ADHD is there. It's getting curious about how ADHD specifically shows up in your day-to-day life:

• Why do certain tasks feel disproportionately difficult?

• Why do strategies work beautifully one day and completely fall apart the next?

• Why does asking for help sometimes feel harder than continuing to struggle alone?

These questions aren't about finding more flaws. They’re about understanding ourselves well enough to respond differently.

This is why I created Calibrate ADHD around self-discovery, self-support, and tethering: understanding our patterns, approaching roadblocks with curiosity instead of judgment, and building flexible systems that work with our brains rather than against them.

So until Thursday, let’s stop here–where real ADHD awareness begins–recognizing that understanding and supporting ourselves is essential.

In the meantime, maybe we can all start by moving one thing off the "would be nice" list*.

*For me that one thing is going to be: call the hypermobility PT. What’s yours?