You Can’t Move Forward if You Don’t Look Back
- Neil Parekh
- 4 hours ago
- 3 min read
When I wrote my book, The Blue Flower Curtain, I did one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I went and obtained the transcripts from the court cases and read everything from beginning to end. That decision brought me to my knees. I read things I didn’t even remember—details that triggered powerful surges of memory. I felt emotions I hadn’t experienced in almost 30 years.
Looking back became a necessary part of moving forward. But in order to move forward, I also had to pause. I had to step away and reflect on everything I had just taken in. The weight of it all left me stunned, stuck in writer’s block, needing space to process both what I had read and what I was feeling.
Healing is not a linear journey. It is a constant back-and-forth, at least for me. There have been many moments in my life like this. In the early years, I thought those moments meant I was regressing—that I had somehow undone the healing I had worked so hard for. But over time, I came to understand something different. There are experiences, reminders, and seasons in life that will naturally bring you back to a place of reflection. That isn’t failure—it’s part of the process.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. We will be talking about long and winding road of recovery and healing on Ep. 47 of Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health, "Looking Back, Moving Forward; The Cycles of Healing After Sexual Assault," Thursday, April 9 at 6pm CT / 7pm ET.
Neil Parekh is my co-host. Kenneth Rogers Jr. is our guest. You can watch the live show or recording on Facebook, Twitter*, LinkedIn, YouTube or Instagram*.
*We won't know the exact urls for Twitter or Instagram until we go live on Thursday. For now, these links go to Neil's Twitter and Instagram.
If you click on the social media links above, and comment, we can put it on screen. You can also just watch the recording or live show right below.
I was raped when I was 21. When my daughter turned 21, I spent that entire year gripped by fear for her safety. At times, I told myself it was irrational. I tried to convince myself that she would not have the same experiences I did. But no matter how much I tried to reason with myself, my body would not let me relax.
Eventually, I gave myself permission to understand what was happening. My fear was a trigger response. It was human. It was protective. And it was rooted in love. Again, healing is not linear.
Recently, I attended an incredible event honoring phenomenal women in the community. And yet, standing in that room, I felt small. I felt guilty. Surrounded by these inspiring women doing extraordinary things, I found myself thinking I was doing nothing—that I wasn’t making an impact. I questioned whether my trauma had taken over again, whether I simply wasn’t trying hard enough.
But then something shifted. I realized I was focusing on what I wasn’t doing instead of what was right in front of me. These women were amazing—and I had the opportunity to witness and celebrate them. I also recognized that the past few years of my life have been filled with change, challenge, and growth. Learning to give myself grace is not easy, but it is necessary. And I am trying.
Looking back has helped me move forward. Recognizing how far I have come—and honoring the work I have done for myself and my community—is essential to continuing that journey.
At the end of the day, being true to yourself and allowing yourself to feel everything you need to feel is one of the greatest acts of love.
As Dr. Micheal Kane, our guest on Ep. 43 taught us, "I love you—but I love me more."
Comments