Enough Already: Why Survivors Shouldn’t Have to Hide
I am Jane Doe…Except, I’m not. Not for the big thing that happened to me. Not for the very public rape that happened by strangers in my own backyard.
But I am definitely Jane Doe…
When I think of the parties where I was intoxicated and don’t remember all the details of what happened that night.
When I think of that “uncle” I had when I was little and the way he got too close to me, touching me in places that made me feel icky and uncomfortable.
When I think of my cousin’s boyfriend, the one that used to flirt with me, even though I was only 12 at the time and he was in his 30s. I never said a word. Not because I thought it was right or because I wasn’t scared. I just sort of normalized it. This is the first time I’m sharing it.
If you are still processing what happened at Cornell and are experiencing strong emotions, please join us for a special episode of Shining Light on Shadows, on Thursday, Oct. 8 at 6pm CT / 7pm ET. Ep. 58, "Processing Cornell: A Space to Share, Listen and Find Community" will also feature Pradnya Haldipur and Walter Greason. Neil Parekh is my co-host. You can watch the live show or recording on Facebook*, Twitter**, LinkedIn, YouTube, Instagram** or on Neil's website.
*Facebook will delete the video in 30 days.
**We won't know the exact urls for Twitter and Instagram until we go live.
For now, these links go to Neil's Twitter and Instagram.
When I was 15, at my first job, my boss was 19-years-old. One day, he pushed me into a freezer and started kissing me. I didn’t hate it, so I didn’t say anything. My parents never thought to question what a 19-year-old would want with someone so young. I ended up marrying him a few years later. It wasn’t until I was older, and after we divorced, that I looked back and thought to myself, “Why wasn’t anyone paying attention to this, why didn’t someone, anyone flag this as wrong?”
When I was younger I was a pretty, blonde girl, I was thin and boys liked me. I got catcalls and was hit on constantly. People used to tell me how lucky I was that every boy around me was attracted to me. But it just made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t like people paying attention to me just for my looks, and ignoring who I was as a person.
I liked to dress nicely and accentuate my curves. I worked hard for those curves and I felt like I should be able to wear what I wanted to wear and not be told I was asking for it.
After I was raped at 21, I didn’t feel like I was worthy of any kind of love. I had regarded my body as a temple, but it was no longer sacred. It became something I disregarded as useless. I allowed myself to be used and abused by lots of guys. Never once did I think that this was wrong. It was amazing to me how easy it was to take advantage of me.
Sadly, I truly thought I was alone. I didn’t have any clue that women faced these types of situations all the time.
When I began my advocacy work, I heard story after story of people who experienced some very horrendous acts and had never told anyone until they disclosed it to me.
During the #MeToo movement, several women sent me private messages saying, “I have never told anyone, but Me Too” or “I can’t post on social media because my perpetrator is my Facebook friend / Father / Brother / Uncle / Neighbor / Babysitter.”
My heart broke with every one of those disclosures I received. Some women even told me, “I will only say this once and I will never say it again."
So why do we have to hide? Well if you look at the Cornell case, the Epstein files, Larry Nassar, only to name three very prominent cases, not to mention all the other cases where women are not believed, what would you expect?
When seven men at a prominent college are reprimanded and part of the discipline is an essay (an essay?!?) and the woman in this case is being demeaned as a slut, hussy and tramp on social media, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
How are women supposed to reveal that they have experienced these types of atrocities when they are not believed, shamed, blamed, and made to feel like they deserved what they got?
The way society has taught men to treat women is atrocious. Disrespecting a woman's space and boundaries is commonplace in movies, TV, music, commercials and all other types of media. We are inundated daily with the message that women are objects that should be disregarded. It isn’t surprising that men, unless retrained to respect women, treat them like trash.
Now, I am not male bashing by any means. It may feel like it, but I’m not. There are good men out there. However, as a society, our media is filled with an outpouring of support for college guys who rape women. Men in positions of power are not held accountable for their actions. We sweep under the rug what happens to actors in Hollywood. We continue to glorify music that convinces women that they are sexual objects and encourages men to treat women as such. When this is what our society is perpetuating, do we expect men to behave differently?
I am infuriated, disgusted and fed up with the inexcusable way we treat women and the expectation they should protect themselves from being raped.
Enough already.
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