Strong Boundaries Give Me the Sense of Being in Control

I often wondered if boundaries in relationships were something I specifically struggled with because of my overall life, from a difficult childhood to the trauma I experienced. But I think it is common in lots of trauma survivors. I don’t think I recognized how strongly I experienced boundary issues until I was in my late 30s. I remember complaining that my ex-husband didn’t help with anything, including bills or managing playdates, volunteering, or birthday parties. He reminded me that anytime he tries to help, I just say, “I got it.” I need to be in control all the time, then play the martyr when I do all the work. I don’t particularly like admitting this about myself, but I do know it is true.

Being in control is necessary for me because of the very little control I had in my life until I was about 25. Once I could control things that were happening around me, I realized that if I wanted things to go a certain way or I needed to make sure I was safe, controlling the situation was number one for me.

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We will be talking about Boundaries on Ep. 32 of “Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health,” Thursday, June 26 at 6pm CT / 7pm ET.

Neil Parekh is my co-host. Patricia Croom will be our guest. You can watch the live show or recording on Facebook, Twitter*, LinkedIn, YouTube or Instagram*.

*We won't know the exact urls for Twitter or Instagram until we go live on Thursday. For now, these links go to Neil's Twitter and my Instagram.

You can watch here or click on the social media links above. That way, if you comment, we can put it on screen.

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I rarely commit fully to anything. I am your wedding, party, fun night out nightmare. I am always a maybe. I do that because I am not sure that I have the mental capacity to handle most social situations until I am about to do them. I need to know the plan all the time. My husband has learned to make a tentative plan, because no plan doesn’t work for me. The one area where I am a pushover is with my kids. I don’t know how to say no to them. I am a people pleaser with the ones I love most dearly. I have very weak boundaries in that area of my life. I will do anything, drop anything, rearrange anything if someone close to me needs something. I am a giver and when it’s not reciprocated, I feel a sense of sadness and disappointment. There is no middle ground for me.

I think learning to have a balance in your life of setting good, appropriate boundaries but also allowing yourself to let go a little and not be so uptight is what I am striving for. Taking opportunities to let go and allow someone else to be the planner, the organizer, and the one in charge is a goal I have set for myself. Maybe I’ll try saying yes to a party or two. I am a rule follower, so if I commit to going, I always do.

Boundaries are very good to have, but when it comes to people who have experienced trauma, that can be a challenge. I think it is important to reflect on where you are in your life no matter what age you are, and understand that things can always be better if you focus on what can make a difference for you.