Setting and Respecting Boundaries Can Be A Game Changer

Originally published on pattycroom.com in December 2024. Republished with permission.

Boundaries. A single word. Three syllables. Yet, so complex.

A boundary is a real or imagined line that marks the limits or edges of something and separates it from other things or places. A boundary is a line or limit of where one thing ends and another begins. Boundaries can be naturally occurring like the mountains or a river or they can be created like fences or an imaginary boundary line like the ones we create for ourselves.

Sometimes we cross boundaries without realizing it. I once had a friend in a crazy property line dispute with their new neighbor because of a fence built on what both believed was their property. In this case it was determined with a little help from the record keepers for the county. In other cases, someone else has a boundary that we cross without intention. Think of new relationships and the things that can cause friction that one person does and another feels is not okay. In other cases, we set a clear boundary, and someone attempts to push through it.

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I will be the guest on a show hosted by Neil Parekh and Dawn Helmrich Neuburg. It's Ep. 32 of “Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health,” Thursday, June 26 at 6pm CT / 7pm ET. We will be focusing on Boundaries. You can watch the live show or recording on Facebook, Twitter*, LinkedIn, YouTube or Instagram*.

*We won't know the exact urls for Twitter or Instagram until we go live on Thursday. For now, these links go to Neil's Twitter and Instagram.

You can watch here or click on the social media links above. That way, if you comment, we can put it on screen.

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In healthy relationships a break in boundaries is discussed and handled with clear explanations and emotional maturity by both parties who are willing to listen, learn, respect, hear and be heard, and come to an understanding, moving forward in a positive way. In unhealthy relationships this can lead to fights, twisting responsibility to the individual trying to express why something bothered them, in very toxic relationships this can lead to physical altercations.

Often adults struggle with creating boundaries. There is not a rule that if a person lacks appropriate boundaries in one area that they will lack them in others. Quite frankly, that is often not the case. Someone may have effective boundaries in many areas of their lives and yet be unable to set them in place in a single area. An example of this might be when an adult child deals with an adult parent who doesn’t respect their autonomy, and yet, because of the parent/child relationship, they hesitate or fail to speak up for themselves.

We have all known someone who feels disrespected by others but blows through the clear and well-defined boundaries of others as if they are the Kool-Aid man pushing through the brick wall (If you don’t understand this reference, please enjoy some commercials from the 1980’s). This type of personality is difficult to navigate and often leads to a lot of chaos, hurt, and damage. These will be people who indicate that they want one thing (a good relationship with their partners family) but their actions will be counterproductive to the outcome they say they want (they pick fights with their partners siblings or parents). This is easy to identify. In most cases, they struggle to maintain healthy relationships. They frequently have volatile relationships with their parents and siblings, one minute loving them deeply and the next talking very negatively about them. In many cases a line must be drawn in the sand with them. If you do x, I’ll do y and then you must stick to your boundary. This is often where people fail.

Setting clear boundaries with consequences can be difficult. Having hard conversations can be difficult. Failing to have them creates resentment, hurt feelings and relationships that fall apart. These types of conversations, the boundary setting that comes with clear, definitive responses, can be difficult to maintain, but are so very necessary to maintain a healthy relationship and a good relationship. Do you have someone in your life who when they are coming for a visit creates a ton of anxiety or panic in you? They may judge harshly, say things that you don’t agree with, create uncomfortable conversations or situations for you and your loved ones? This is why setting healthy boundaries is necessary. It also reduces the possibility of you breaking down and having a full-blown reactionary melt down. One example might be “I would love to have a visit with you. I need to be clear that I feel stressed out when we discuss politics, therefore I do not want to discuss them when we are together. If you can’t respect that, then it might be best that we do not get together.”

A place where boundaries and expectations are clear is often a workplace. There are items that must be completed, we are aware of what those are. There are policies around the expectations and boundaries. For example, a workplace handbook may discuss attendance. They will have a clear written policy around the expectations. New hires receive their handbook or orientation and hear that they cannot have more than ten absences in a year. Ten absences are defined - if you have the flu and are out for a full week but provide a doctor’s note those days will be grouped together and count as a single absence. If you get five absences, your manager may have a meeting with you and disciplinary action may take place. If you reach ten absences, you will be subject to termination. Clearly defined expectations and boundaries.

In relationships this can be a little more difficult. Several years ago my sister and I had an argument. I’d like to say I was completely innocent in the entire interaction, but that would be untrue. I could have handled myself and my responses better. We were both frustrated and communicating via text. Not exactly the greatest form of communication when emotions are running high and a situation is extremely time sensitive. At the end of the exchange, she told me that she wanted me to lose her number. In all honesty, I thought she was being absolutely and without a doubt, overly dramatic and ridiculous. However, while I did not delete her number from my phone, I did stop all communication with her. During our “radio silence” people would try to give me updates and I’d indicate that I didn’t feel it was appropriate for them to share information and would reference my sisters’ clear boundaries. Later when we reconciled this was something she said had made her feel very respected by me. I neither had to agree with nor like her boundary, but I did feel it was vitally important to respect it.

A person doesn’t need to have a lot of childhood trauma to struggle with boundaries, although those who do often struggle in most areas of their lives with creating, communicating, holding, and even respecting appropriate boundaries. There are many books written about boundaries, the psychology behind it, the need for it, and how to create appropriate and healthy boundaries. I won’t try to summarize or even suggest any here. Although if you’d like some suggested, feel free to reach out to me through the Contact page . Therapists are also a great resource for helping individuals create boundaries.

Even when you have put in the work, even when you have learned the tools or the art of setting boundaries, there may still be circumstances and people that you struggle to create or establish healthy boundaries with. Keep putting in the work. Your mental health will thank you. You owe it to yourself to set healthy boundaries and protect your peace.

If you are someone struggling to respect the boundaries of others or wondering why your relationships are struggling, it might be time to look at yourself, how you conduct yourself and do some serious and real examination of yourself. Sometimes you are the problem. How you perceive and understand things, how you approach things, and how you interact with others may be causing you the harm you are experiencing.

In all cases, boundaries — the setting of them and the respecting of them, become a game changer when it comes to walking through life and protecting your peace.