Balancing the Needs of Two Very Different Daughters AND Preserving One’s Own Mental Health
- Karissa Gretebeck
- Aug 27
- 4 min read
Updated: Sep 9
Dear Mama,
I watched you from afar today.
You wore a faint smile that tended to come and go. Your eyes looked heavy and tired, like you’ve lived a hundred lives behind them, you know. Your voice sounded calm but was growing apprehensive; and rightfully so, as you had two little girls running every which way in tow.
You were trying to hold their hands while carrying bags, gripping onto hats + mittens as you chased your children up the library steps. You were feeling overwhelmed and rushed, I could tell, I could see. You’re not a mom that can just sit and let them be.
You tried your best to give each girl your attention, but, like so many times before, you were torn in two. It feels like you’re never enough, just you. As one found a book, the other shouted through that quiet space. “Hush” you whispered back as eyes began to fix on you.
That mother that felt like she was breaking in two.
One wanted to read to you, the other to play. So off you went chasing and racing the clock so that each girl got her way. There were many tantrums and frustrations from your littlest one, they took all your attention, especially away from the older one. She went off and read in the corner and I could see your eyes begin to well, and my heart broke for you, oh dear mama of two.
One needs a lot, but the other needs you too. Nothing is easy and your days never go quite as planned. You have to take breaks, step back and stop. Your little one has such trouble in the waiting, this I can see. How hard you work to keep her calm, this I know to be.
You carry all the books and mend the fights, then down the stairs you come, the library visit end in sight. It looks so hard for you, even doing a simple thing. You rely on the reminder of what perspective can bring.
But sometimes you still envy other families who are just coming and going, it’s so easy for them, you think, without really knowing.
Oh mama, I see you, so broken in two. I see this because, deep down I am you.
This was a piece that I wrote after a particularly difficult day with my two young daughters. The thing is, this wasn’t just an out of sorts kind of day, this is what my life looks like on a lot of days.
I’m the mother to two, beautiful and very different daughters. My oldest, Evie (9) is typically developing, good at everything she tries, a natural athlete and a creative wonder. My youngest, Elsie (6) is so joyful and spirited, kind and brave and was born with a variety of medical complexities and has been diagnosed over the last few years with several rare diseases. This adds another layer of complexity to the already arduous job that is being a parent to multiple children.
I often find myself caught in what I call the ‘in between’. Living life in the moments between where I had hoped we would be and where we are in this present moment. Through this journey I’ve learned that life is best lived when you don’t focus too far ahead; when you learn to live in that sacred space of just the here and now.
It’s the painful push and pull that comes from trying to balance the needs of two very different daughters, while also taking care of myself, my marriage, and working full time that has left me oftentimes riddled with self-doubt. How can I possibly do this? How can I be all these things to all these people? How do I honor and celebrate both of my daughters, for their differences and their strengths? How do I continue to show up to be the person my family deserves when I feel like I’m splitting in two?
It’s been a heavy load to carry but I’m learning, bit by bit, that while I’m forever altered by the trauma that we’ve experienced and the ripple effects we still experience day in and day out as the parents to a child with an unknown future, there is still hope here. There can be healing in the hurt and good nestled into the hard, as long as you’re still willing to look for it.
I will be the guest on a show hosted by my friend Dawn Helmrich Neuburg and her co-host Neil Parekh, “Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health.” Ep. 35 will be livestreamed Thursday, August 28 at 6pm CT / 7pm ET. We will be focusing on the challenges parents face (and the impact on their mental health) when one child is very different from the other. You can watch the live show or recording on Facebook, Twitter*, LinkedIn, YouTube or Instagram*.
*We won't know the exact urls for Twitter or Instagram until we go live on Thursday. For now, these links go to Neil's Twitter and Instagram.