If My Daughters Don’t Need Me Like They Once Did, Who Am I Now?

A few months back, I received an unexpected amount of money and texted my two girls offering options for treats. They both turned down the offer very politely, with the eldest asking me to get myself something. A suggestion her sister echoed. As sweet as that was, I felt I was served a blow. Who am I if my time and money are not needed as a mother?

I turn 53 in June and by then, my youngest girl will have moved out. With each daughter in another city, my nest would be empty. The hardest part of raising two beautiful girls on my own is done and now they are determined independent ladies moving out to pursue their own dreams. But where does that leave me?

For the past two decades, I have been pouring my energy into protecting them from the traumas I had to endure in my childhood while raising them to be strong, independent and focused, which they are.

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I will be the guest on a show hosted by my good friend Neil Parekh and Dawn Neuburg, Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health, Ep. 46 "Complex Trauma, Motherhood and The Empty Nest." The show will be livestreamed Thursday, March 19 at 7pm ET / 6pm CT. You can watch the recording on Facebook*, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, Instagram or below.

*Facebook will delete the video in 30 days (approx. April 18).

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So, what was I expecting at the end of that road? A trophy? An award? I am not sure either. Was I expecting that road of single motherhood to end that quickly? Certainly not. But I was not expecting an existential crisis either. And I realized this is what I am facing. I was so busy with them and their well-being that I hardly had time to check MY feelings, MY well-being, MY mental health.

When they were younger, agreeing to be with a man meant that he would have a say in how I was bringing them up. My childhood traumas were screaming at me. I couldn’t trust an adult man to be with them. I couldn’t trust a man to be comfortable with how strong and independent I was bringing them up. And most of them commented on just that. So I chose to remain alone.

I recall a certain incident a few months ago when I came across a video of their father who I had not seen since the day he walked out in 2010. He was a media figure, so I saw him so many times over the years. But this time, I had the space to grieve the marriage.

When they were younger, whenever my girls complained they didn’t have a father around, I was keen to acknowledge their pain but made a point that we must move on.

But I never acknowledged my own pain. No one else did either. So that day, seeing their father in a social media post, made my knees buckle. I sat down and started weeping hot bitter tears. Divorce hit me as if it had just happened yesterday and I grieved.

I can’t count the times I put my daughters first. I do not regret a single instance of doing so. I am proud of them and of the fruits of my effort. But without them needing me as much as they did before, who am I and who can I be? I ask myself those questions repeatedly every day. I need to focus on not allowing my empty nest syndrome to develop into a new unexpected trauma. I also do not want to guilt-trip my daughters.

So where does that leave me now?