The Inside Story of Writing “The Blue Flower Curtain”

I have always loved writing. I wrote lots of deep dark poems in my teen years. I loved creative writing classes in high school.

But if you ever told me I would write a book like this I would have said you were barking up the wrong tree. Yes, I wrote a children’s book before my kids were born, “A Frog Named Charlie.” I never got it published, but I wish I had, and maybe I still will. That was a children’s book though, it rhymed, and I wrote it so if kids were ever mean to my kids I would have this lovely story to tell them.

The first time someone suggested I write a book about my life, I was shocked. The circumstances that surrounded my rape were horrible. Why would anyone be interested in hearing a detailed account of what I went through? But over time, as I started to journal things and put my thoughts down on paper, I realized that it wasn’t the assault that was the interesting part, but it was the recovery. The many challenges I faced, the victim blaming I experienced, the self-doubt I encountered, the years of what an absolute mess I was and why being assaulted is not just the assault but everything after that.

I also realized that I had picked myself up. I had become an advocate. I had realized that I had a voice, and it was a pretty powerful one, THAT is what "The Blue Flower Curtain" became about. Yes, it goes into the horrific details of my story, but that is for context.

The book is essentially a conversation about resilience, perseverance, mental health struggles, addiction—the roller coaster ride of life packed with a huge punch of trauma.

---

I am the guest Ep. 27 of the show I co-host with Neil Parekh, “Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health,” Thursday, April 10 at 6pm CT / 7pm ET.

We will be talking about my book, "The Blue Flower Curtain." You can watch the recording on Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, or Neil's website.

---

It took me 15 years to write this book. I have many different versions. I even have a copy of the first handwritten book I wrote torn out of a spiral notebook and held together by a staple. The last five years I was really dedicated to completing it, but I had no intention of actually publishing it. I thought it would be hard to get someone to pick it up and self-publishing was a lot of work.

I even went to the courthouse to get my transcripts from the adult case because I wanted to be as accurate as possible. I wanted to know that my words were truthful and that I remembered things in the correct way. Reading through those transcripts was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life. I had blocked out a lot and realizing that what had happened to me was worse than I had remembered was really triggering. It brought up a lot of flashbacks and memories I didn’t necessarily want to recall, but I felt it was important for the book. Those transcripts can be found word for word throughout the book, which gives it authenticity.

After working with those transcripts, I had to put the book down and walk away for a while. I had writer’s block. It was much easier to write about the horrible day and all the horrible things that occurred after. It was more difficult to write about my accomplishments. The things that I was proud of. The work that I did to advocate for other people. I got lots of awards and accolades, many I felt I didn’t really deserve. After all, I was just trying to fight for the rights of survivors and give room for survivors to have a voice. I didn’t always understand why those things deserved these kinds of awards

One day my husband Jim said to me, “When the time is right, you will finish it. Some day you will just know what to say.” I thought I was finished with it for the 30th anniversary of my rape (in 2023), but after reading through it, I realized there were gaps that I needed to fill in, so another year went by. After much editing and reworking, I was done.

Self-publishing was very difficult, but I faced that challenge with the help of several people. We figured it out together. Now you can get my book on Amazon and at most bookstores. I also self-published on Ingram-Sparks, which is an independent publishing company where small local bookstores can purchase my book. I am also in several local libraries.

Selling the book is the hardest part. I don’t intend to get rich from this, it isn’t even a second source of income. But at a speaking engagement on April 4, a young girl came up to me and bought my book. She shared something with me and said she felt inspired. She said she was writing a book too and felt encouraged by my path. The look in her eyes and the way she lit up when she talked about feeling hopeful that one day she could be an author too…that is the reason why I wrote this book.