Survivor’s Remorse is Real; Even for Long-time Advocates

I have survivor's remorse. That may sound silly or crazy to anyone that knows my story, but I'll explain. Over the many years that I have done advocacy work around sexual violence, I have met so many thrivers. Every time I hear a story about someone who was abused from the time they were 5-15 by a relative or a family friend, I think about how lucky I am. I was raped once for about an hour. Yes, there were a lot of traumas that surrounded my attack that were very horrible, but so are the circumstances that surround every single person’s trauma.

I have to tell myself over and over that no one’s trauma is worse than another person’s trauma. The trauma may have occurred differently, or under different circumstances, but each person’s trauma is their own. We get to own our own stories and no one gets to tell us how to process that, what to feel or when we should be “over” it. I’ll never be over my trauma. Some people can process it and move on, but that isn’t how I handle it and that is ok. It makes me a better, more empathetic advocate.

Often the feelings of survivor guilt or remorse makes me remind myself that I constantly tell other people not to compare their trauma with other people. What happened to me was terrible and it has affected every single aspect of my life. That tells me that my trauma is just as relevant and important as anyone else's.

---

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. We will be talking about "Survivor's Remorse" and the importance of honoring every individual's story on Ep. 48 of Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health, "Sexual Assault Survivors’ Trauma Isn’t a Competition," Thursday, April 16 at 6pm CT / 7pm ET.

Neil Parekh is my co-host. Cyrena Martin is our guest. You can watch the recording on Facebook*, Twitter, LinkedIn or YouTube.

*Facebook will delete the video in 30 days, approximately May 15th.

https://vimeo.com/5872350

---

I have heard other people try to tell my story. I'm ok with that if you get the story correct, it’s when people add details, or facts that don’t actually exist. That is why I have learned that if I am going to do any media about my story, I have to approve whatever is put out there. I have had people embellish my story to make it worse than it actually was, like the circumstances don’t already warrant an “OMG” moment. I have had reporters write articles that include me having a drug addiction or participating in prostitution, which is simply not true.

We get to own our story and should never have people tell it the way they see it no matter what. Stay true to yourself. Own your own story. Don’t ever let anyone tell you something is worse or better than what you experienced. Remember that you have faced something only you have gone through and that is your experience to work through.