Shielding My Kids From Heartache Wasn’t The Best Parenting Choice

Growing up I had to take care of myself a lot. My dad was an alcoholic and my house was often very chaotic. I never wanted to have friends over because of this secret we kept in our family. I spent a lot of time at other kids' houses realizing that things in my house were not normal.

My parents got divorced when I was 15 and my dad got sober, but the divorce really affected my mom and I ended up taking care of the house and bills and her because she needed me. I don’t have a ton of happy childhood memories, but I always knew that I was loved. I knew that my dad was sick and I knew that my mom was hurting. There wasn't a whole lot of talk around mental health in my house, we had church and God and those were the things that my parents turned to for help.

When I had kids, I knew I wanted their lives to be different then mine was growing up. I know now, however, that I completely overcompensated. I attend every PTA meeting, every conference, and every field trip I could. I was the room mother, the cookie decorator and the volunteer at every event they had. I took them on vacations and gave them big birthday parties—all the things I was not privileged to have when I was growing up.

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We will be talking about the impact of traumatic childhoods on parenting on Ep. 34 of “Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health,” Thursday, August 14 at 6pm CT / 7pm ET.

Neil Parekh is my co-host. Michael Wood, Chief Operating Officer of the National Alliance on Mental Illness is our guest. You can watch the live show or recording on Facebook, Twitter*, LinkedIn, YouTube or Instagram*.

*We won't know the exact urls for Twitter or Instagram until we go live on Thursday. For now, these links go to Neil's Twitter and my Instagram.

If you click on the social media links above, and comment, we can put it on screen. You can also just watch the recording or live show right below.

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I think that is why when I got my divorce, my kids were so surprised, they lived in a happy, well loved family with two parents that loved each other, rarely fought and seemed good together. It was very hard for them to understand that sometimes people grow apart. They felt like their ideal world had been shattered.

My need to make my children’s world completely opposite of what I grew up in was a disservice to my kids. I know that now. They were sheltered from the realities of the world because I didn’t want them to experience anything hard or bad. They have had to learn as adults that things happen in life that are unexpected and unpredictable, and they have had to learn to adapt to those types of roadblocks and setbacks. I did not prepare them for this.

Coping with mental health when you are a kid is confusing and difficult, especially when it is a parent who is experiencing it. I didn’t have the direction to know how to be a parent and no real role models. I did know one thing, love your kids. That is undeniable. I love my kids with all my heart and soul. They became wonderful humans, so I must have done something right.